Choosing yourself is radical

Trauma, whether it’s abuse or neglect, often forces us to “choose” someone else’s needs over our own. You had to meet their needs to avoid bad things from happening to you or to gain a semblance of safety, love, or acceptance that hinged on your compliance.

Disconnecting from your emotions, boundaries, needs then was a survival mechanism. It helped you endure it. Being too aware of your needs meant being aware of the boundary crossings.

Vague emotions are easier to push down.

You tried to protest and express discomfort when your needs and boundaries were trampled and were met with dismissive, shaming, silencing, invalidating responses?

You got burned and learned from that. THIS is how we learn to censor ourselves. We silence ourselves to protect us from more painful experiences. We internalise the abuser’s messages and attack our own needs.

You’re too much.

You’re stupid. You’re just being silly. You’re always so dramatic.

It’s in your head.

Deciding that you want to listen to your needs now is radical. That’s years, decades of conditioning that we are pushing against.

We have no idea how to even go about feeling our emotions, listening to our needs. Others seem to do it so effortlessly. Others who haven’t been through the kind of trauma you’ve been through anyway.

All you need for your first step is wanting to find out what kind of needs might be lurking in the dark.

What do I want? What do I need?

How the fuck am I supposed to know? Yes, it’s normal to be a fully grown, competent adult and not know. You’ve been taught to sacrifice yourself. This is alien territory.

It can be easier to start with what you DON’T like and want. What makes your blood boil when it happens to others or to yourself? We often react viscerally and deeply to those.

That thing that just came to mind, hold on to that.

Was it injustice? Being made to feel small? Being dismissed and not taken seriously? Being blamed? Being judged?

Follow the loud feelings, see where they lead you.

Here are some reflection prompts for your first steps:

Think back at your past, when did you hope someone had stood up for you or fight for you?

How did you want them to protect you? How did you need to be loved?

If that happened to someone you loved, what would you do for them?

Think about the present, what can you do now to give yourself the love, protection, care that you didn’t get then?

It can be hard to think about what you’d give to yourself because we are hypocrites with big fat double standards. So here’s a hack: Imagine someone you care about (friend, family, partner, pet, favourite fictional character) and what you would do to show them love, protection, care?

Copy + paste. Now do some of those things for yourself.

Yes, it will feel weird, cringey, and unpleasant. Keep going, this is what change feels like.