How to find the right therapist for you
The research says that the quality of a therapeutic relationship is THE most important factor for therapeutic success. That’s saying something because the research (and clinicians) don’t actually agree on much else. Exhibit A: Should your therapist pass you a tissue box when you’re crying? Yes. Really.
Long story short, chemistry is important.
I’ve had therapy with five therapists from various theoretic orientations over the last decade, had consultations with many many more, and I’ve created a checklist with all the important criteria to save you the time and money.
It’s what worked for me, so feel free to take what works for you and ditch what doesn’t.
The magic checklist
This is what I look for when I’m shopping for a therapist myself.
Do I like this person?
Do I feel like I can open up and not be judged by this person?
Does this person have the right qualifications, experiences, knowledge for what I’m hoping to address in therapy?
Is this person communicating in a way that gels with how I like to communicate? If not, can they adapt that?
Am I looking for shared characteristics, like gender, race, class, sexuality, neurodiversity, etc.?
What other criteria are important to me?
Specific therapy approaches
Online, in-person, hybrid for maximum flexibility
Harry Potter house, dog person? (Ravenclaw, yes)
Finding the right therapist is the second most important step in therapy, right after starting. So take your time, interview a few people and find out what you like, dislike. Trust your gut feeling. If you get weird, judgy vibes, run. Don’t let friends & family talk you into it. Trust yourself.
We are not used to shopping around for a therapist. Our usual dynamics with healthcare professionals can be summarised as “wham bam thank you ma’am”, i.e. GP, dentist, smear test. Those benchmarks are unhelpful as they don’t account for the level of chemistry, trust, and vulnerability needed for opening up in therapy.
Chemistry is non-negotiable
Even though therapists aren’t and can’t be your friend, I picture a friend level of trust and openness. Someone who you can be open and honest with, someone who is allowed to call you on your BS without you getting offended, and who you feel is robust enough to take your criticism, direct questions, and open challenges.
Don’t settle for any less than excellent chemistry. You will waste your time, money, energy. The worst thing is the opportunity cost: You could have invested that time / money / energy into a different therapy relationship and made much more progress.
Therapists are like travel buddies on a long road trip. If you can’t stand them at the check-in counter, guess how much you’ll despise them when you’re tired, in pain, and in crappy mood. Choose wisely. You are worth it.
