How to find the right therapist for you
The research says that the quality of a therapeutic relationship is THE most important factor for therapeutic success. That’s saying something because the research (and clinicians) don’t actually agree on much else. Exhibit A: Should your therapist pass you a tissue box when you’re crying? Yes. Really.
Long story short, chemistry is important.
I’ve had therapy with five therapists from various theoretic orientations over the last decade, had consultations with many many more, and I’ve created a checklist with all the important criteria to save you the time and money.
It’s what worked for me, so feel free to take what works for you and ditch what doesn’t.
Preparing for your first therapy session
CONGRATS, YOU BOOKED YOUR FIRST APPOINTMENT. NOW WHAT?
Going to your first therapy session ever or with a new therapist can be nerve wracking. You’re reading this, so I assume you’re the type of person who likes to be prepared. Hopefully these FAQs will offer some certainty.
What are we going to talk about?
The aim of the first session is to get to know each other a little bit. What are the current issues, how are you coping, what kind of support do you have around you, and how do you want to tackle the current issues.
There are prompts at the end of this guide to help you figure out what you might want to talk about. You don’t have to share the answers with me. Always welcome but never pressured.
Start here if you don’t know what you want or need.
Trauma, whether it’s abuse or neglect, often forces us to “choose” someone else’s needs over our own. You had to meet their needs to avoid bad things from happening to you or to gain a semblance of safety, love, or acceptance that hinged on your compliance.
Disconnecting from your emotions, boundaries, needs then was a survival mechanism. It helped you endure it. Being too aware of your needs meant being aware of the boundary crossings.
Vague emotions are easier to push down.
You tried to protest and express discomfort when your needs and boundaries were trampled and were met with dismissive, shaming, silencing, invalidating responses?
You got burned and learned from that. THIS is how we learn to censor ourselves. We silence ourselves to protect us from more painful experiences. We internalise the abuser’s messages and attack our own needs.
Trauma and the shame of spending money on yourself
One of the first things trauma teaches us is to self-sacrifice. Meet others’ needs first to protect yourself and avoid negative outcomes. It’s not usually to get good things like love, care, or attention, but to avoid the bad outcomes, like punishment, shame, and pain.
When we start to heal and come out of self-sacrifice mode, we start to set boundaries, act in our own best interest, and take time and space for ourselves.